How to Find The Right Girl (or Guy) & Grow Your Church

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How do I find the right girl?

That's a question I have heard many times. Young guys tired of being lonely and navigating that confusing maze called dating are the usual inquirers. The question is simple and often phrased in different ways, but the main idea is always the same. They are tired of bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong. Tired of rejection on the one hand, and disappointment on the other. In desperation they search for the secret. The one simple thing that can turn their life around. "No more making this up as I go along. Just tell me, How do I find her - you know, the 'one' - the right girl?"

Of course, girls ask the same question about guys and experience the same level of frustration. Everyone seems to be searching for that Mr. or Ms. Right and everyone seems to think that there must be a secret, or formula out there somewhere, that can lead them straight into their true lovers arms.

Well, I have good news. There is a secret formula and I want to share it with you. But first, let me make a point about church culture (since that's kind of what this website is about). 

Every church I have ever been to operates the same way. They are like a love-frustrated youth desperately seeking their significant other. "How do we reach the lost?", "How do we grow?", "What should we do to lead new people to Jesus?" All excellent questions of course. But if you look just a little harder you'll realize they are the same as girl-searching-for-guy. They are looking for a secret or formula which, if applied, will result in the relationship they dream of. The guy dreaming of the girl. The girl dreaming of the guy. The church dreaming of the convert. Over time frustration and disappointment settle in. The church becomes jaded. They did their best to navigate the maze of outreach and evangelism. But nothing really came of it. They are disillusioned and wonder why it seems to work for others, but never for them.

OK. So are you ready for the secret? Because I am about to share it, and what I share can revolutionize both your dating life and your church. So here goes.

In all my years of hearing young men ask, "How do I find the right girl?" I have never, one time, had anyone approach me and ask, "How can I become the right guy?" (or vice versa). The inquirer is always pursuing something "out there". But here is the problem. What your pursue will always elude you and even if you find it, it will eventually slip through your grasp. Rather than pursue the right girl or guy, you have to become the right guy or girl. And when you become the right person, you will catch the interest of the right person. That is the secret.

I saw a video last week where a guy shared how he once wrote down 40 page description of his ideal girl - the woman he would marry. Then, on another 40 pages he wrote down the kind of man that same woman would be attracted to. In the end, he found a massive gap between the person he was and the man his dream girl would be attracted to. He decided right then to stop trying to find the right woman, and to focus instead on becoming the right man.

Churches need to apply this dating advice to their own experience. How do you reach the lost? How about, instead of worrying about reaching them we asked, "How do we become the kind of church that broken people want to be around?" I mean, look at Jesus. Sinners always wanted to be around him. They felt safe in his presence. Can we, as a church, become the kind of community that others look at and say, "I want to be a part of them"?

How do we become the kind of church that broken people want to be around?

So here is my point: Rather than focusing on gimmicks and blueprints for evangelism, lets focus on becoming the kind of church that would catch the attention of the lost in our community. Rather than trying to the find the people "out there", let's become the kind of people that the culture would be drawn to. That is the secret.